There is a hidden place where you and I reside..
That has existed for what now feels like an eternity.
A place where I can find shelter in your arms..
As I did in wheat fields and atop stone walls so long ago.
A place where the earth becomes our bed,
And the air is neither cold nor hot as it graces bare skin.
A place where your bottom lip is forever in my mouth,
And your hands never leave the small of my back..
A place where the kissing seems borne of starvation,
And the hunger is never even remotely satisfied..
Where we are real.
Where we are raw.
A place where time is inconsequential.
Now, when I look at you I’m met with a sense of obscurity.
Somehow reminded of the way the woods appears at night,
Illuminated by the headlights of my car.
A sight so inviting and familiar in the sun,
Somehow looks foreboding in such harsh, artificial lighting.
Your beauty is now perpetually shrouded in night,
And when I disappear into your depths I can see nothing.
Nothing but the faint outlines of trees I had once memorized the bark of.
Every groove and texture I had once intimately touched,
Fades into an endless stream of shadows.
Shadows and the occasional wayward star peering through the branches..
A star I look up and reach for like a foolish child,
In the hope of feeling you in that place now slipping through my fingers.
My heart is gnashing its teeth at the bars of a steel cage,
Trying in vain to break through to what is only a shell of you.
Trying in vain to wrap myself tightly around a body growing cold.
Trying in vain to not desperately love that which manifests as decay.
Because I am running my fingers through your hair, only to find it is ash.
I am kissing your mouth, only to realize it is stone.
I am weaving in and out of these trees, chasing mist..
Making love to a ghost.
While isolated within the confines of this broken forest,
Delicate, obscure music caresses its way into my mind.
Painting a tapestry of another world, another place to run to.
A place where the sun has risen, and its warmth has washed away the ice.
In this moment I realize you may have become someone else.
You may have left me here in a place you no longer reside in,
And the keys to my heart were carelessly dropped into a stagnant pool.
A pool now utterly frozen in pitch darkness.
Yet I feel heat growing, aggressively forcing its way into my body,
As though the keys had been retrieved against all odds.
As though they are now clasped in a warm, sheltering hand.
Though the hand, and its owner, are nowhere to be found.
I know, in the recesses of what is left of this heart..
That only you could have achieved the impossible.
Only you, with that face so crushingly beautiful I could weep.
Only you, with that smile I love so passionately I would die to see it.
Only you, with that mouth more sensuous than anything in this world.
Only you, with those arms I feel could take away any and all pain..
There has only ever been you.
There will only ever be you.
The words love, passion, and desire have been replaced by your name.
I need only breathe it softly to myself to feel the power of everything you are.
I feel you inhabit every part of me, flooding every cell in my body with electric heat.
I feel the intensity of what we have like the earth shaking, fists clenching, heart racing..
Souls colliding with a deafening crash, shattering any doubt that had ever threatened to form.
There is only you..
And I want you for all time.
I realize then the decay had merely covered what had been nurtured slowly on the inside.
The disgusting, cracked shell of the oyster breaks apart to reveal the flawless pearl within..
A pearl which represents everything I had never believed could enter my consciousness.
And so the memory of that frigid, empty forest fades, leaving me standing in the sunlight.
The very sunlight your music had beckoned me into, leading me out of the dark..
Yet as I walk forward, the sunlight fades, washing most of the color out of the landscape.
A flimsy, wooden fence suddenly separates me from what I saw as a glistening lake beyond.
The lake I imagined falling into with you, wrapping my arms around you, while the sun lit your eyes.
Frail as it appears, I cannot move beyond it, around it, or over it..
It remains steadfast, as the color drains, and the warmth is replaced once more by the cold.
In this moment, I come to accept the decay is something I brought with me.
That your love pulls me out of these hollow spaces I find myself trapped in..
I follow you from place to place, bringing with me the fracture which breeds collapse.
The fracture I never wanted to come between what has always been aching with purity..
Yet I know I will never stop loving you..
I will never stop yearning for you..
I will never stop searching for a pearl that won’t evaporate as soon as it touches my hand..
And so I will remain here, waiting for you to come to me.
I will continue to exist in this growing dark, trapped with thoughts I cannot escape.
I worry you won’t find me as you imagined me, and this love will fade..
Even more profoundly, I worry..
Will you ever even come for me at all?