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The older I get, the more convinced I become that we aren't really supposed to grow up entirely. We aren't supposed to become entirely void of the qualities that once made us innocent and creative.. naturally adventurous and curious.. Most of us lose them, and when we finally realize they're gone it can be a shock. A slap in the face. Where did I go off to when I wasn't looking?

I've become closed off in more ways than I can count. I described it like this, to someone I love a few days ago -- "I'm going to relate this to dogs, since that's easy for me. I feel like I've become that dog that isn't really fearful or aggressive when new people approach him, but his entire body tenses up, he looks at them with this untrusting side-glance and doesn't growl, but he feels his throat tighten up, getting ready for it. When he wags his tail it's half-hearted, like he knows the joy couldn't possibly last. When someone touches him, the entire surface of his skin ripples as though he was certain it should have brought pain." Hardship has certainly allowed me to become this way. Uncomfortable with touch from anyone save one person, and constantly anticipating some type of horrendous failure or collapse. It leaves me painfully absent of everything that once encapsulated me as a child.  

For years I cared for a dog that had forgotten how to play. Had forgotten entirely how to let go of that constant tenseness in her body, couldn't wag her tail. I find it strange how I feel as though I've become her in so many ways. My naivety is gone, as was hers. To her, and now to me, the world is cold and unsafe. Full of people who will most likely scorn and harm you the first chance they get.. Though unlike she once did, when I succumb to it I don't cower.. I lunge and bite. Even when I'd rather not..

I taught her how to love life again, and now I find myself in the same position. Trying to step out of the safety of a steel cage and back onto earth. I'm scared I'll never feel it the way I did before. Before my world crumbled around me. I'm terrified I'll never feel the same depth of emotion when my feet sink into sand. When I see the ocean. When I hold a puppy for the first time.. because deep inside the recesses of my mind -- I'm expecting heartache. In every moment of joy, there's this distant fragment of my mind screaming it's going to end up dead in my hands..  

I find it frustrating at times, the way people confuse childishness and being child-like. Childishness is an escape from reality. A foolish and often vapid expression of apathy, either forced or genuine. To be child-like, however, is a gift. To be able to look at this world with a sense of wonder and awe, to love freely, to relentlessly drift towards light rather than darkness... is something I yearn for. Deeply.